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Getting older…is this really the direction I want to go in?

Hello there people. I haven’t posted anything in a while. I haven’t been active on GameJudgment either. Truth is, I never get enough spare time to do anything else.

I started to pursue a Computer Engineering degree from a university in India in August. It’s been two months and I am already regretting the decision to do so. Basically, the education system is so closed and strict that it makes Pentagon look like a public square. (Okay, bad analogy)

A few months ago, I had no other obligations. I could game, write about games, study in my own time, and basically do anything I wanted. Now, I get up at five, leave home at seven, return home at five in the evening, study/do assignments till 2 in the morning and then get three hours’ worth of sleep. Problem is, the Indian education system. People praise India’s education. I honestly don’t see why. India has, in my opinion, one of the worst education systems in the world. I doubt if it’s even better than North Korea. You go to school/uni, you attend lectures, and then you go home and are expected to cram them all with no practical education/knowledge whatsoever. But then again, first year has common subjects to all Engineering streams so that I am not really studying any subjects related to computer at the moment.

Then there’s the “Required attendance” policy, which requires that you attend 75% of the class. You’re not allowed to leave the university before the time ends (4 PM), you’re not allowed to wander the halls and you’re not allowed to go to the library and search for books even in your “Library” period. Yes, we do have a library period, however, it’s basically spent on listening to some idiot babble about “Library projects and presentations.”

I have no time to game either. All my games are now sitting on my desk, gathering dust. Sometimes I wonder if “Engineering” is really the thing I want to do, and even if I do, is India really a good country for it?

Is getting older really like this, when you will have to keep following others and you have to stop pursuing your dreams? When you’re still treated as a child despite being expected to show maturity when it comes to topics like lax education system and problems with professors.


After A Snow Shower

I walked through the sad remnants of summer’s grasses.
The snow which had just fallen seemed to float ethereally above the ground like angel’s wings.
The fallen leaves formed cups with which to catch a taste of the coming winter.
The red, waxy branches of a thornbush were like an ultraviolet light,
standing out against the now dull underbrush.
I sighed, and my breath, caught in winter’s wiles, became a being of its own,
and took up its flight to an unknown destination.


The Mirror

In the mirror life it fades,
In this mirror remains my gaze,
I see what I’ve become,
end this reflection as I smash the mirror,
although the mirror’s in pieces,
I can still see the guilt,
as the reflection slowly fades,
I see the guilt that still remains,
sadness, fear, all that I feel,
have found a home deep inside of me,
inside my mind an evil grows,
inside my heart I find anew,
as I gaze into the mirror,
the mirror that tells all.

As I sit here…

As I sit here in my desolate room,
and silence takes its tole.
I peer into the sky above,
staring to the moon.
And wonder if this moon,
is the same you look at too.
I wonder if you too are looking to the heavens,
and at this very moment you are thinking of me too.
Staring into the glowing pearl hovering so high above,
I think of how we think the same,
and all that brings us close.
As I begin to think a million things,
my mind as clouded and dark as the sky I see.
I wonder my friend,
are you thinking of me?
Night continues on,
and many things I think.
When morning arrives I’m waiting for you already,
even though you are not there.
So that when I speak to you,
I can tell you about my night.
So dear friend,
just know we are two,
too close in conscience to be parted by any force,
and know you are my best friend and that I turn to you,
when skies get dark and little light I see,
Just know that when things get rough,
I’ll be your light too.

My Moon

In the middle of my thoughts I get lost in my tears,
in the middle of the moment I get lost in my thoughts,
every second of the day I’m lost in some way,
every minute of the hour here I will stay,
every hour of the day your not here to stay,
every time i think of you I get lost in the moment,
you mean the world to lose you we bring the fear.

Fate has found a way of making me weak,
it’s torn my soul from within and laughed in my face,
it’s taken my heart and placed it aside,
it’s taken my mind and used it as a toy,
playing me like an instrument it’s used me a puppet,
in it’s game this way lost I remain.

In the middle of it all it’s got me to wonder,
where were you when my heart cried out,
where were you when everything went a blur,
I’m deaf to the world and left to think,
alone in my thoughts away from the world,
I can’t begin to ask you where you were,
where you were the day that I died?

A New Start

The rich stream of life flows over me
All of my thoughts cease to be
Lost in the pulsing crimson flood
Reveling in the taste of blood
I am a beast, fierce yet wise
Wild and deadly with ancient eyes
I hunt my prey in soft moonlight
Eternally alive in the welcoming night
The blood I take to stay alive
Blood sweet as honey in a hive
A crimson pulse beneath pale skin
A ritual of innocence and sin
I leave the body to the day
And with the dawn hide away
To rise again at start of night
A flame that burns forever bright

Dark Flame

A cold, dark flame burns within me
A cauldron bubbling with hate and fear
A fire burning ever colder
Yet growing larger with every tear


Oh, must I be kept from an earthen mood
That diamond water so pure and clear

A glorious feeling from me is brood
Oh, curse the absent light of love so dear.


To the world I know as home,
I speak in words filled of sorrow,
The troubles of my modern life,
have filled my mind with words,
these troubles of my life,
have filled my heart with sorrow,
all the troubles in my life,
have filled my pillow with tears.

What has gone wrong?
I cannot explain to another,
my world feels as if caving in,
my mind has fallen to the flame,
my heart has drowned itself,
while my pillows suffocate me.

Shielded from this world I am no longer,
Let me finish my task is done,
for I have little left to live for,
let me go in peace so that no one hears,
let me go for no one cares to listen,
this is my last to all the world,
I shall be as I was before,

Does it hurt?

Does It .  .  .
Does it hurt you to hear me say,
You’re the only way I got through that day.
Does it hurt you to hear me say,
While sitting next to you that year,
I cried a little less and laughed a little more.
Does it hurt you to hear me say,
You made me smile when I thought I couldn’t,
And made me laugh when I thought I shouldn’t.
Does it hurt you to hear me say,
If I hadn’t heard your story and your reason .  .  .
Does it hurt you to hear me say,
I’d be in my grave,
If it weren’t for you that day


butterfly eyes
and sweetly flies
tracing the lines of her tears to touch the skies
following quickly into the shadows of she
so lined in the gravity of her sighs
and the starkly whispered cries
of memories, the false histories, twisted reveries
sunken far into the wilting frame,
pinned up into the masonry of ruptured ties,
raptured lies
steeped hotly into the funeral of they
splitting evenly the sickening disguise
of their deceptive compromise…
and softly goodbye

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